The Real Woman’s Once-A-Month Spa (Yet another excuse to get away from the house)


Come join us in the exclusive (overpriced) spa made especially for women. We offer gentle support (because you paid us lots of money) with the use of herbal digestives (Lipton’s tea), healing salts from the ocean (potato chips) and potent curatives from the mountains (chocolate) to reconnect to mother earth, our main source of vitality and spirit (necessary oxygen). Women banding together at “that time of the month,” will be a source of comfort (seeing that someone else is worse off than you are), safety (in way too many numbers) and well-being for each other. Along with herbal remedies (Smith Brothers Cough Drops), a soothing touch (sympathy as you pay the bill) and sumptuous (pretentious) atmosphere. Where growth (girth) and regeneration (of the many more cells per pound of gained weight), will be the result. In almost every culture women have been separated from men (they feared us) during our monthly cycle. Let’s continue this (foolish) perceptive tradition (see how they do without us for three or four days) in an extraordinary healing and communal environment.

I’ve partially explained what this really means in red. Having gotten you through the basics of the ad, let me say just how cool this place could really be.

The idea would be to come to this “spa” when you are premenstrual or menopausal or anything in between and stay until you feel whole again. And because we said so, it’s okay to indulge in foods you might otherwise deprive yourself of. You will have the chance to exercise it off later in the gym on the other side of the building, far away, the walk there might be enough for one day. Maybe men will be allowed there, I haven’t decided yet. We’ll have to take a vote on it. In the meantime, let’s dissect the ad just a bit further.

Wouldn’t having a membership to a luxurious “spa” like this, when it is that “time of month,” make perfect sense? We would get the pampering we deserve, by eunuchs and for once be the ones getting nurtured instead of always having to be the caregiver. Seriously, think about it, this kind of seclusion has been happening for centuries. From the most tribal to the most sophisticated communities, ancient man has misunderstood and feared our cycle. They think we’re dirty, filthy creatures and further more they thought that women were at the height of magical powers once a month. Whoever dispelled that idea ought to be shot! So can we return to that “antiquated” way of thinking please? We could promote the idea of mystical power and create the respected terror once again! Rise up women and let’s show them some real hocus-pocus (now you see the money – now you don’t!). Let there be prideful pampering for all women!

I don’t know about you but I’m a believer. Imagine a potato chip bar with every kind of chip available! Next to that is the chocolate bar (ha-ha) and of course cheese, wine and martinis will be served throughout the day. For just a bit more you can sign up for the vodka or beer bath depending on your skin type and how drunk you want to get.

If you’re peri or post-menopausal then you can come whenever you want, do whatever you want and eat whatever you want! You have done well, served your term as woman, mother, caregiver, spouse, provider and so on. You have made it this far baby, you get the works!

You know how people who go to AA meetings and have to stand up and say “Hi, I’m Jim and I’m an alcoholic.” Well this whole idea stems from me. Hi, I’m Penny and I’m a Potato-chip-aholic. That’s it. That’s all I want – all the potato chips, all kinds and in almost any form. In my best impersonation of an entrepreneur, I was trying to bring you all down with me. It’s hard to eat a bag of potato chips alone and not feel like crap after words. If I had just a few hundred women doing it along with me, then , heck, it’s all good! I know, junk food has become a violation of our temple-like bodies, I get it but I can’t resist that salty, fattiness. I need saving, rehabilitation and pobably hypnotism. I know this but really wouldn’t a spa like that be the greatest once a month indulgence? Come on, indulge me!

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