Fear of Buying A New Car


Wait! Read this before you buy your next car! So, you want to buy an environmentally super expensive, fantastic car, like, oh, let’s say a Tesla? The problem is, in the show room it looks pristine and perfect but what happens once you leave that controlled temperature, locked door environment? This is when stress happens, the very beginning of road rage. Well, fear not, I have an idea worthy of a whole new business that will put your anger and anxiety to rest! Pre-distress your vehicle and never fear another fender bender again! Here’s my 30-second elevator speech. Ready?
You’re about to buy a brand new car. It’s all shiny like a mirror, candy apple red with white leather interior and it’s foreign and cost gobs of money, right? Then just as you drive this beauty off the lot, a pebble shoots out from some other passing car and TING! Your brand new shiny car not only just lost thousand in value but it is, sadly, no longer a virgin! Insignificant to the rest of us that can’t even see the puncture wound but to you, it’s catastrophic! Steam is coming out of your ears as you wave your clenched fist, spewing expletives at the driver that did this to your “baby” and who, by the way, is completely unaware of you and what happened to your now wretchedly spoiled vehicle.
Don’t let this happen to you! For an additional fee of $1200 to $1800 (depending on the option you choose), you will enjoy a pre-distressed car! Now when you drive off the lot and that little pebble comes flying out of nowhere, you’ll just laugh! “Ha!” you’ll say, “I’ve fooled you, you damn-inconsiderate-destructive-and-mostly-oblivious-other driver! You can’t hurt me and my car because we’re already fashionably battered, and I paid for extra pummeling. So there!!!”
You see? You could park your shiny little beauty in a spot made for a Segway and it just won’t matter!! “Screw you!” you can say to the Range Rover next to you that’s taking up a space and a half. Go downtown, heck go to the ghetto and park right on the street. In fact leave the keys in the car! You think anyone will want that piece of crap car now? NO! Of course not!! You’ve beaten the system (and the car). All the while knowing that you have the newest and finest of fancy cars without the stress, fear and then anger of it getting mauled by flying pebbles, suffer parking lot hit and runs or the occasional doses of acid rain ruining that glossy shine!!!
So next time you’re ready to buy that brand new Tesla, BMW, Hummer or Ferrari, don’t wait until you have to suffer through the agony of your first “keying.” Let us do it for you! We also offer some other options like the exciting graffiti package with the street gang “go “f…” yourself” designs or the more sophisticated “Banksy-style” car-art. Perhaps the artistic spray-on cement for a uniquely textured, 3-D look is more to your liking and of course, don’t be afraid to ask for our combo distressing packages.
Okay, So, here we are on the first floor. The elevator speech is done and the doors are opening…anything? Silence?
Not even the crickets are interested.

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2 thoughts on “Fear of Buying A New Car

  1. Nope, if you refer yourself through things, even the expensive ones
    it won’t last for sure,
    that’s why somebody can killed himself on his/her very own roll royce phantom,
    it’s all about the insecurites that we should be dealing for in the first place!!!

    Like

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